My sadness turned into anger very quickly. How could you love someone more than you ever loved me? How could you waste my time like that? How could you cry your eyes out because you didnt want to get a divorce but yet you could replace me and forget so quickly. The love we shared was for me, once in a lifetime kind of love, I thought you were my soulmate, I should've seen the signs sooner every time I asked you if I was your soulmate and you would reply saying that you didnt know and that you dont believe one person only has one soulmate. You make me want to punch you in the face. You play the victim so well, oh poor guy, what a horrible wife he had to leave him just like that.
No one knows about the nasty fights, the horrible words we said to each other the names we called each other and the countless times we told each other how much we hated each other. Well you know what, I told myself I would love you forever but I think thats not the truth because what I feel, this horrible stabbing feeling, its not love its once again rejection. You rejected me so many times. You broke me down mentally and emotionally, never once did you tell me I looked beautiful out of your own. How many times did I have to fight with you to even realise all the effort I was putting in, the things I was doing to make your life comfortable. And on those occasions you would appreciate me. That's not right, thats not fair.
You brag about her like I never mattered, yes I do it too but I told you many times how I found you attractive and gorgeous, you on the other hand never did that out of your own for me. Out of all the things we have been through, the things both of us sacrificed, I am the one suffering.
I ask God what is up with that, a christian born into a christian family and raised with christian values, confirmed infront of the church, everything followed to the T yet the son born into a non believing family, never baptised, didnt want to go to church and still does not really know if he believes - he gets off easy!!!!!
How could I have been so betrayed by my own eyes and heart, how could I be so blind to what was really happening, how could I not see the wood from the trees??? Was I so naive to think that faith would fix it all. How I was proven wrong.
You are portraying such happiness now that ultimately I will still be judged and stoned for wanting a divorce because the poor husband got hurt. I cant even sit back and hope that people will see the truth because they will never see the truth, I will forever be the bad person.
How does one simply make peace with being the bad person for the rest of your life? How does one just accept that you werent really loved for the person you where or the life you tried to provide.
Its such a win/lose situation. And once again Chantelle will lose this round.
Monday, 23 March 2015
Thursday, 19 March 2015
The 7 steps of dealing with a divorce
1. Grieve
2. Shock
3. Denial
4. Anger
5. Pain
6. Depression
7. Acceptance
In no particular order.
I asked for my divorce, not because of an affair or anything but purely because we were killing each other slowly an painfully. I saw it long before he did, yet I am the horrible person responsible for this whole mess.
We were roommates living in the same house, co-habituating and raising our children to believe we were happy. Then I sit and I think, "Were we ever happy"? Yes, the day our daughters were born, those were the happiest days of our lives and only those days. I sometimes do things the wrong way around and I've come believe that that is my way of coping.
Acceptance
I accept full responsibility for forcing my then boyfriend into believing that we were soulmates and that we would live happily ever after if we got married. Mistake number one. But to my defense, I did not hold a gun to anyone's head - just saying. The honeymoon was beautiful, the scenery that is, us, well we fought every night and pretended to be happy while getting drunk on the free booze that the resort supplied.
A year and 3 months in my ovaries started itching and I thought it best to go off the pill and fall pregnant without my husband at the times blessing and in saying that a lot back fired and we started the process of divorce under the assumption that I wasn't pregnant. Long story short, after 4 months of separation we reconciled for the sake of our unborn child. The years flew past and things became stagnant due to the passion slowly fading away and the will to fight became a distant memory. Countless times and unsuccessful sessions of counseling never seemed to help, only pushed us further apart. Then we planned to have a sibling for our first daughter. Things seemed to be looking up but crashed and burned soon after. We were making each other miserable and staying together for the children started to make life a little bit more difficult than it would have seemed to sit through for the next 18 years.
I had dreams, dreams that included having another child. He had dreams, dream I ruined when I forced him to get married and have children. We are thought to pursue I dreams from a young age but mine would make things worse and he was already holding everything against me to start with. I wasnt the best wife and I could've done things differently but I didnt. I gave up and started hating him more than I loved him. The purpose for us was to bring two beautiful little people into this world and raise them with the love and attention they deserve. And they are such happy little people.
I am a religious person and God has always helped me out no matter what, sometimes not in the way I wanted but that was the best for me. I definitely think God has a funny sense of humor and he tests me in ways I dont understand and sometime never will but I dont think he could help with what we were going through. I prayed, night and day, asked, begged and pleaded of our marriage to work, for another child (I see and know now that they do not fix relationships), for anything just to make us work. In the end it didnt work, we probably could have stayed together until we died and I would have to live a life of hate towards him or somehow I would stop feeling and not care at all. Regardless my prayers werent answered and I will never know why but I will ask God one day what he wanted to happen from all of this.
26 November 2014
Quiz night, a non-profit animal shelter quiz night is where I was introduced to him. I went there with a friend to get out a bit and to meet new people aka making new friends. I was introduced to him and he to me, immediately I was not interested, too young, too much of his own baggage, not my cup of tea for the moment. So we had a good quiz night and things ended there.
2/3 days later I get a message on facebook from him asking how I was doing and I responded by giving him my number and politely telling him in my crass manner that I hate messaging on facebook and he should message me on whatsapp. Still not vaguely interested. We started talking but nothing major, keeping him at arms length I cheerfully responded which my Little Miss Sunshine attitude and never gave any indication to him that it would go any further than it already had gone.
Somehow the man had a way with words, intellectually stimulating and fun to talk to as well. It started sparking an interest but around every corner I reminded him of all my baggage I am carrying. He persisted and we set up a date to meet for coffee, nothing serious, just to talk....
Tomorrow (19 March 2015) I will be 13 weeks pregnant, first week into my second trimester. We have been inseparable since the 13th of December 2014, our date 12month.13day.14year. forever being unique and one of its kind....
2. Shock
3. Denial
4. Anger
5. Pain
6. Depression
7. Acceptance
In no particular order.
I asked for my divorce, not because of an affair or anything but purely because we were killing each other slowly an painfully. I saw it long before he did, yet I am the horrible person responsible for this whole mess.
We were roommates living in the same house, co-habituating and raising our children to believe we were happy. Then I sit and I think, "Were we ever happy"? Yes, the day our daughters were born, those were the happiest days of our lives and only those days. I sometimes do things the wrong way around and I've come believe that that is my way of coping.
Acceptance
I accept full responsibility for forcing my then boyfriend into believing that we were soulmates and that we would live happily ever after if we got married. Mistake number one. But to my defense, I did not hold a gun to anyone's head - just saying. The honeymoon was beautiful, the scenery that is, us, well we fought every night and pretended to be happy while getting drunk on the free booze that the resort supplied.
A year and 3 months in my ovaries started itching and I thought it best to go off the pill and fall pregnant without my husband at the times blessing and in saying that a lot back fired and we started the process of divorce under the assumption that I wasn't pregnant. Long story short, after 4 months of separation we reconciled for the sake of our unborn child. The years flew past and things became stagnant due to the passion slowly fading away and the will to fight became a distant memory. Countless times and unsuccessful sessions of counseling never seemed to help, only pushed us further apart. Then we planned to have a sibling for our first daughter. Things seemed to be looking up but crashed and burned soon after. We were making each other miserable and staying together for the children started to make life a little bit more difficult than it would have seemed to sit through for the next 18 years.
I had dreams, dreams that included having another child. He had dreams, dream I ruined when I forced him to get married and have children. We are thought to pursue I dreams from a young age but mine would make things worse and he was already holding everything against me to start with. I wasnt the best wife and I could've done things differently but I didnt. I gave up and started hating him more than I loved him. The purpose for us was to bring two beautiful little people into this world and raise them with the love and attention they deserve. And they are such happy little people.
I am a religious person and God has always helped me out no matter what, sometimes not in the way I wanted but that was the best for me. I definitely think God has a funny sense of humor and he tests me in ways I dont understand and sometime never will but I dont think he could help with what we were going through. I prayed, night and day, asked, begged and pleaded of our marriage to work, for another child (I see and know now that they do not fix relationships), for anything just to make us work. In the end it didnt work, we probably could have stayed together until we died and I would have to live a life of hate towards him or somehow I would stop feeling and not care at all. Regardless my prayers werent answered and I will never know why but I will ask God one day what he wanted to happen from all of this.
26 November 2014
Quiz night, a non-profit animal shelter quiz night is where I was introduced to him. I went there with a friend to get out a bit and to meet new people aka making new friends. I was introduced to him and he to me, immediately I was not interested, too young, too much of his own baggage, not my cup of tea for the moment. So we had a good quiz night and things ended there.
2/3 days later I get a message on facebook from him asking how I was doing and I responded by giving him my number and politely telling him in my crass manner that I hate messaging on facebook and he should message me on whatsapp. Still not vaguely interested. We started talking but nothing major, keeping him at arms length I cheerfully responded which my Little Miss Sunshine attitude and never gave any indication to him that it would go any further than it already had gone.
Somehow the man had a way with words, intellectually stimulating and fun to talk to as well. It started sparking an interest but around every corner I reminded him of all my baggage I am carrying. He persisted and we set up a date to meet for coffee, nothing serious, just to talk....
Tomorrow (19 March 2015) I will be 13 weeks pregnant, first week into my second trimester. We have been inseparable since the 13th of December 2014, our date 12month.13day.14year. forever being unique and one of its kind....
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